someone’s got it in for me

I don’t want your sympathy

I spend somewhere around 2 hours a day, almost every day, despising myself.

That’s 2 hours per day picking apart every aspect of my personality.

  • My thoughts, beliefs and values;
  • My attitude, behaviours and actions;
  • My decisions, choices and options.

Note: This is not reflection, or review, it is simple self-loathing.

Life just never turned out how I wanted it to

14 hours in a week, 56 hours in a month.

Whose life does? I don’t have a master plan, a ‘5 year’ list or anything like that. So without a plan, why do I get upset and depressed if I perceive that things haven’t gone how I wanted them to?

Without a view of how things should be, how can I discern what is incorrect?
Life is fluid, like a river. It’s easier to swim in the direction of flow, rather than try to swim upstream.  But still, I allow myself to believe that swimming upstream is the only way – fighting against the natural state of things, rather than accepting life for what it is.

Am I persecuting myself? Creating my own victim mentality? Am I constantly feeding an inner duality between the part of me that wants to be happy and the part that wants to bully me for every perceived failing?

The answer is: All of these things.

What a state I’m in

28 days across a year.

All of these are my failures:

  • My career has stalled and not advanced to the point I feel I should be at;
  • My earning potential, as  a consequence, is less than I feel it should be;
  • My talent(?) for art and creativity has never led to the successes and self-satisfaction that I want for it;
  • My financial management is, after 16 years of being an ‘adult’ still woefully juvenile;
  • My ability to derive pleasure and happiness from the moment deserts me as soon as the moment has gone;
  • I let my family and loved ones down, consistently and regularly;
  • My offers to look after, care for,  and help my friends always backfires and becomes a burden to them.


All of these are my successes:

The bully inside has got me, and taken everything away. It’s left me, bruised and snivelling and wishing I was home again, somewhere safe.

My self pitying

Since the age of 16, I have possibly spent around one and a half solid years of my life, hating myself.

My self pitying is tiresome. It takes away from who I am. It takes away from what I am. It takes away my potential to make my own happiness, and in so doing, bring happiness to others in turn.

This is what I aspire to:

“He is good to those who are good;
He is also good to those who are not good,
Thereby he is good.
He trusts those who are trustworthy;
He also trusts those who are not trustworthy,
Thereby he is trustworthy.
The sage lives in harmony with the world,
And his mind is the world’s mind.
So he nurtures the worlds of others
As a mother does her children.”
~ 49. People, Tao Te Ching – Lao Tzu

Why does it seem so damn impossible to get there?

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Captain caveman on June 26th 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Maybe you got there so long ago you have forgotten what it is not be there.

    By way of explanation:

    Those who love you want to be near you because your are already “good”.

    The reason your friends tell YOU their secrets is because you ARE trustworthy.

    As to the sage/harmony/nurture stuff: well I think that most people in the world are asleep and the few that aren’t walk around in a state of constant amazement.

    I have always thought that you are spectacularly, soaringly awake.

    Reply

  2. Posted by thetrickykid on June 27th 2010 at 8:10 am

    I find your posts to be deeply thought provoking. I think your ‘misery’ posts touch on a side of the human condition that we all have to one degree or another. I would like to think about my own feelings on this a bit more before I try to reply.

    But for now, I’d like to throw a couple of hackneyed cliches at you (or are they my own, they seem a bit wise/simple to have invented?):

    You can be anything you want to be. But you can’t be everything you want to be.

    And with just a little juggling of words —

    You can have anything you want, but you can’t have everything.

    No body’s perfect – what a way to wanna be… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WdFnST3uzk

    Reply

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