the Downward Spiral…

I’ve completed 4 ABC forms in the last 2 days. What’s going on?

It feels (after a few good days) like the start of a setback, of going backwards in my recovery.

I wish I could stop myself feeling and thinking the way I am, wish I could stop my mind taking itself on these journey’s where all I can do is watch in slow-motion as I act on these ridiculous thought trains. I’ve caused new types of stress to friends and colleagues in the last 2 days, as it places demands on their energy and on their coping skills, that is simply unfair.

And you know the stupid thing? The thing that makes me want to smash my head into the wall until I lose consciousness? It’s all in my power to stop, and yet I don’t. Despite myself (or to spite myself?) I write paranoid emails to colleagues, I think black thoughts about what my friends think of me.

The irony is, do it enough, and it all becomes true. Colleagues will start talking about you and excluding you, ’cause you’re clearly unstable. You can drive friends away by being too demanding, too paranoid. My friends want me, the fun me, the Carl who makes them laugh, who is there to hang out with, go shopping with, have dinner with. But at times like these, all I can give them is a Carl who is so fearful of being abandoned, that he pushes people away.

Cruel joke.

I think being on my own the last couple of days hasn’t helped. The isolation of being alone in your house for 2 days straight gets you thinking, gets you withdrawing from the reality of the world, and nestling yourself in the world of your making, where large parts are just products of an over-active (and needlessly pessimistic) imagination.

So I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but for today, all I can see is a lot of hurt and stress, and very little to take solace in.

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